This is from a poem I wrote way back in like week 4. I just kept the idea of the childhood, and really expanded it.
Battle of the Bulge
Friday’s bell singles the resumption
Of World War II. First stop,
Pearl Harbor on the shores of the Coosa River
with Jimmy subbing as Admiral Hirohito.
As night fall, the kamikazes pilots
Reanimate back on Mr. Irwin’s
back porch with smells of a summer barbeque
and wafts of macadamia nut cookies.
The campaign is over for the day, so the
soldiers draft back to fortified bunk-beds
filled with goodies from last week’s “bank heist.”
Saturday’s sun transports Mark and his merry gang
To the future. Wrigleyville is a buzz as its time for
Game 7. Chants of “Lets go Cubs, Lets go Cubs”
rise softly as the players take their places in the
cul-de-sac on 7th street.
The brick and Ivy are replaced with vinyl siding and
Mrs. Johnson’s cotton topped azaleas. The crowd noise
Dampens as Tim steps to the plate. The pitch,
Low and outside, just like a replay played out with
an accompanying Sports Center highlight.
As he rounds third, a rusty man-hole cover,
bleecher bums throw stale beer on each other,
the vision fades to be replayed,same time next week,
but its John’s turn to be the hero.
The celebration is short-lived as I sit bathed
in vertical splashes of purple, green and brown
on Sunday with a man, dressed in black, keeping
the primal world contained for at least another hymn.
This draft is extremely expansive and rangy. The time and locations seem to leap immensely and, overall, add confusion to the timeline. Where is this draft located? Why these big movements from one place to another? We go from WWII to Chicago to Sports Center to a domestic BBQ. There are also big cast of “characters” in this draft and I wonder how they all fit together: the speaker, Mrs. Johnson, Tim, John, Jimmy, bleacher bums, Mark, Mr. Irwin, and Admiral Hirohito. The title, “Battle of the Bulge” also seems misleading as it was a WWII German battle, yet the references here are to Pearl Harbor and Japanese influences. How is the title functioning here? How does it connect to the rest of the historical/pop culture references in the draft? What time period is the draft set, and if you need to move from one to another, why? How does WWII and the Cubs and Sports Center all fit together in one draft. How do the aid each other? I think for your next phase of drafting it would be really beneficial to address some of these questions and ask a few yourself. Maybe try writing out in prose what you see happening or what you intended to happen/wanted this draft to “be about.” There is a lot going on here and it may be important to ask if you need all of the drafts characters and locations.
ReplyDeleteThe way the draft infantalizes the image of World War II is a bold move and could be worked with in subtle ways to nuance such an image. One must be wary of approaching such a charged subject so toning down the war imagery by using more subtle language could be useful for this piece. I think the idea of taking a child-like approach to the war imagery is interesting, yet for future drafts you could try to imply what might be at stake by doing so. Also, there are many characters in this piece, which could also be toned down to one perspective, at least at first. What of the child's perspective? How and why is he connected to imagery of WWII?
ReplyDeleteI think I can help ramp up your surface level logic here at least.What if you retitled this "A boys Weekend in suburbia" or just "Weekend"
ReplyDeleteThen you would have a draft like this one. i left a few blanks for you to fill in and added only enough to clarify where I think the surface level logic is headed.
Of Course you may not care for this but at least it clears up some questions for another draft.
The Weekend
Friday’s bell signals the resumption
Of learning bout World War II, our First stop,
Pearl Harbor on the shores of the Coosa River
with Jimmy subbing as Admiral what's his name.
Night falls, and I and my band of kamikazes pilots
Reenact the battle on the back porch with smells
of a summer barbeque and wafts of macadamia
nut cookies that somebody's mom baked.
The campaign is over for the day, so the
soldiers drift back to fortified bunk-beds
filled with goodies from last week’s “ heist.”
in Halloween town.
Saturday’s sun transports the merry gang
To the Wrigley's back lot and its time for
Game 7. Chants of “Lets go Cubs, Lets go Cubs”
rise softly as the players take their places in the
cul-de-sac on _________.
The brick and Ivy are replaced with vinyl siding and
the smell of _____________ The crowd noise
________ as I step to the plate. The pitch,
Low and outside, just like a replay played out with
__________ and ______________
I round third, which is a rusty man-hole cover.
Bench warming bums throw warm Koolaide on each other, the vision fades to be replayed,same time next week,
The celebration is short-lived. The next morning I sit bathed,combed and dressed in vertical splashes of green, and brown in front of the man, with the___,
who get's to keep the world contained for all eternity or at least another hymn.
I agree with Trista, your large cast complicates matters, because we don't know them, and I think what you are trying to say about World war II, at least on the surface level is a little more about childhood play. Playing Army that is what suburbia boys do. Army Baseball and church, sounds pretty translatable to me. Now if you want to say more, be careful. I find I often confuse my class readers with my less than clear imagery.
ReplyDeleteReclaiming that is easier for me after someone shows me my surface level logic this way, so have fun and I look forward to the next draft.